Tim Sylvia's Thousand Faces of Disappointment
May 1, 2017 8:26:43 GMT -5
The Sandmen, The Rocketmen, and 3 more like this
Post by The Rocketmen on May 1, 2017 8:26:43 GMT -5
So, I'm hanging out, ready to play some video games with Justin, and he informs me that he's having a difficult time finding a good face for Tim Sylvia for our site's banner. It seems that Sylvia essentially took no promo shots that are workable, except one where he's wearing a watch.
So, I start digging to try and be helpful, though I'm sure copying and pasting picture links into Justin's skype was sort of annoying since he also was staring at the same batch of pictures as I was.
But then it hit me. Nearly every picture of Tim Sylvia when he's NOT fighting, he looks incredibly disappointed to even be alive.
Let's take a look at the thousand faces of Tim's Sylvia's disappointment:
1. Tim Catches a Fish: Disappointment Factor 2/10
2. Tim Takes a Selfie: Disappointment Factor 3/10
If you look at his sort of half smirk, but then stare into his eyes, you realized that he has very sad eyes. There's sadness growing behind those glossy browns.
3. Tim has a Belt and a Gun, but no Smile: Disappointment Factor 5/10
4. Tim and Chad Not So Rad: Disappointment Factor 7/10
Here's a picture someone took of Chad Mendes hanging out with the Maine-iac, and while Tim's mouth does the things its supposed to do in the pictures, his eyes, once again, scream "get me out of here" or "I think I left the oven on."
If I was Chad, I would ask for my money back after that photo, even if he didn't pay for it.
5. Tim Catches Turkey: Disappointment Factor 8/10
This picture looks like Tim saw a turkey, put on his camo jacket and then ran out the door, presumably leaving the oven on again, and grabbing that little fucker mid-gallop? (Is gallop the word? What do you call a turkey's run? Frolic? Whatever...) Tim's giant meat hands caught it easier than the Vancouver Canucks catch the mumps. And he couldn't give a fuck.
6. Tim Can't Even Be Drawn Happy: Disappointment Factor 9/10
Even Tim's biggest die-hard fans, who are talented artists... they study his face, they study the spirit of the Maine-iac, and even they can't bring themselves to put a smile on this lumpy's face. What a sad, disappointed man. It kind of reminds me of Droopy Dog. In fact, I'm pretty sure Tim Sylvia is Droopy Dog's spirit animal.
7. Tim is Upset at Combo Pic: Disappointment Factor 10/10
This is Sylvia taking a picture with Andrei Arlovski - a man Sylvia went 2-1-1 against. Their final match was a No Contest. Not a loss. This picture looks like Andrei wandered over to get a quick snap shot with a guy he had a few battles with as they grew the UFC brand, and Tim looks like he's annoyed that someone interrupted his popcorn time. Or, he realized that after he made stove-top popcorn, he forgot to turn off the oven again.
The more I think about it, maybe Tim just keeps accidentally leaving his oven on and burns down his house and it isn't until he's taking a picture with someone that the flash triggers his short-term memory loss from taking too many punches to the head and causing concussions and early onset alzheimers/dementia. Jesus, if I were Tim Sylvia, I would be sad too.
But fear not, because after years of searching, we finally learned of Tim's true passion.
Look at that happy mother fucker. Just stare at that for a minute. My lifelong quest is to be as happy about something as Tim Sylvia is about that purple 90s graffiti swirl shirt and an egg-white scooter. God dammit, Tim. You glorious bastard.
He's going to have a great day anytime he looks at that scooter... until he's halfway across town and he remembers he left the stove on again.
So, I start digging to try and be helpful, though I'm sure copying and pasting picture links into Justin's skype was sort of annoying since he also was staring at the same batch of pictures as I was.
But then it hit me. Nearly every picture of Tim Sylvia when he's NOT fighting, he looks incredibly disappointed to even be alive.
Let's take a look at the thousand faces of Tim's Sylvia's disappointment:
1. Tim Catches a Fish: Disappointment Factor 2/10
2. Tim Takes a Selfie: Disappointment Factor 3/10
If you look at his sort of half smirk, but then stare into his eyes, you realized that he has very sad eyes. There's sadness growing behind those glossy browns.
3. Tim has a Belt and a Gun, but no Smile: Disappointment Factor 5/10
4. Tim and Chad Not So Rad: Disappointment Factor 7/10
Here's a picture someone took of Chad Mendes hanging out with the Maine-iac, and while Tim's mouth does the things its supposed to do in the pictures, his eyes, once again, scream "get me out of here" or "I think I left the oven on."
If I was Chad, I would ask for my money back after that photo, even if he didn't pay for it.
5. Tim Catches Turkey: Disappointment Factor 8/10
This picture looks like Tim saw a turkey, put on his camo jacket and then ran out the door, presumably leaving the oven on again, and grabbing that little fucker mid-gallop? (Is gallop the word? What do you call a turkey's run? Frolic? Whatever...) Tim's giant meat hands caught it easier than the Vancouver Canucks catch the mumps. And he couldn't give a fuck.
6. Tim Can't Even Be Drawn Happy: Disappointment Factor 9/10
Even Tim's biggest die-hard fans, who are talented artists... they study his face, they study the spirit of the Maine-iac, and even they can't bring themselves to put a smile on this lumpy's face. What a sad, disappointed man. It kind of reminds me of Droopy Dog. In fact, I'm pretty sure Tim Sylvia is Droopy Dog's spirit animal.
7. Tim is Upset at Combo Pic: Disappointment Factor 10/10
This is Sylvia taking a picture with Andrei Arlovski - a man Sylvia went 2-1-1 against. Their final match was a No Contest. Not a loss. This picture looks like Andrei wandered over to get a quick snap shot with a guy he had a few battles with as they grew the UFC brand, and Tim looks like he's annoyed that someone interrupted his popcorn time. Or, he realized that after he made stove-top popcorn, he forgot to turn off the oven again.
The more I think about it, maybe Tim just keeps accidentally leaving his oven on and burns down his house and it isn't until he's taking a picture with someone that the flash triggers his short-term memory loss from taking too many punches to the head and causing concussions and early onset alzheimers/dementia. Jesus, if I were Tim Sylvia, I would be sad too.
But fear not, because after years of searching, we finally learned of Tim's true passion.
Look at that happy mother fucker. Just stare at that for a minute. My lifelong quest is to be as happy about something as Tim Sylvia is about that purple 90s graffiti swirl shirt and an egg-white scooter. God dammit, Tim. You glorious bastard.
He's going to have a great day anytime he looks at that scooter... until he's halfway across town and he remembers he left the stove on again.
Have 9 points in celebration of this monumental achievement!