Post by The Sandmen on Apr 6, 2019 10:59:01 GMT -5
Tagline: None.
Plot Synopsis: A second-hand report of a man vomiting after eating chicken leads a preacher to believe a vampire is afoot. Luckily for the guy, his girlfriend has AIDS which allows him to be spared.
Stars: Michael Bole as Orelius, McKenzie Grimmett as Chloe, and people that I thought were legitimately her family playing her family, but apparently are not.
IMDB Rating: 1.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: No critic review. 9% from audiences.
Mike's Take:
I was very excited to see this. I was treated to a scene that was so incredibly bad and strange that I had to just figure out how the hell any movie could get to that point. Then we watched the entire movie, and the scene I was treated to was basically the "climax." At that point, I had actually seen and learned every single thing that happened in the first 70 minutes. Also, I'm pretty sure the lead actress is what the movie Mama was based on. Her long, lanky arms were only mildly distracting to the fact that we couldn't tell if they were in high school, or college. But, I will say that this movie might be the most JW-positive movie ever made.
Why you should avoid it:
If you hate looking at dirty toilets or people eating KFC, you might want to avoid it.
Why you should see it:
Vampire Aids.
Also, while watching it, I was positive that there were scenes where they just had random family members playing all the characters, but looking at the IMDB page for the actors, they all have different names. I thought it had a good thing going on with the "family acts in my first movie" thing, but instead these are hand-picked actors. I don't know how to feel about that.
Justin's Take:
You have better things to do than watch this. No matter what you are doing, you have better things to do than watch this. This movie is not better than the things you could be doing, even if it is literally the last thing you would want to be doing. The 2 or 3 chicks were passably hot for a bad-movie though.
Why you should avoid it:
It takes forever to get anywhere and do anything. WHat is typically a 5 minute scene in any movie is 45 minutes in this clusterfuck
Why you should see it:
At one point, this is happening in the film (Minor spoilers): "A girl steals a gun, to shoot her dad, to save her boyfriend (who is a vampire) from being burned at the stake. Also, the girl has AIDS.
Tagline: No tagline and that is sad.
Plot Synopsis: Returning from the planet Venus, an errant NASA spacecraft crashes into the ocean, spilling its radioactive cargo. Enveloped by a radioactive mass, a rabid weasel is transformed into a gigantic killer mutant. Prowling the countryside, the huge weasel kills and devours victims. The creature is captured by a disturbed scientist who plans to use its regenerative blood to amass an army of similar monsters, enabling him to conquer the Earth.
Stars: Fred Dabby as Fred. John Smihula as Detective Cam Mer Ron.
IMDB Rating: 3.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: No critic review. 50% from audiences.
Mike's Take:
They really liked letting kids swear a lot in this movie, at everything, for no reason, until they are brutally and easily destroyed. This movie was strange, and every time you had a fun character to take you on a journey, something happened that changed it up. But every subsequent character you followed was awesomer than the last. Cam Mer Ron was the best though.
Why you should avoid it:
Don't. This movie deserves your attention. What it fails on having people actually in a shot, it delivers on horrible gore and cigars.
Why you should see it:
Cam Mer Ron. Also Freddy Mercury lookalike before Freddy Mercury became Freddy Mercury. I'm now convinced Freddy stole his look from Freddy from this movie.
Post Note: While putting together the pictures and review numbers for this movie, I learned the following:
Director Nathan Schiff, born in Forest Hills, New York, grew up making films at the age of 11. Soon, he had made over 20 short films before he began filming his first feature, Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979), which he made on a $400 budget, at age 16.
So. Good.
Also, Justin is drunk.
Justin's Take:
This was legit good. I wanted to watch bad shit and aside from the fact thaT THe special effrecdts budget was low obviously, it was decent. It was a nice, clean, one hour of entertainment that inclluded a guy that was just bad-ass as fuck. (And for no real reason, another guy that looked like Robert DeNiro circa Taxi Driver). Our cool guy is named Camer-On. Just throwin' that out there. Also, a Weasel with apparently no name goes on a spree and kills fuckers. See it.
Why you should avoid it:
I mean... you probably should not avoid it? I guess if you are used to hollywood quality budgets this is not for you, but if you like fast, cheap, out of ontrol nonsense, this is your nan.
Why you should see it:
Reasons I said above. Also a weasel probably made out of paper mache kills some guys. Then a guy called Epic Cigar Man kicks epic ass and always has a cigar. Even when his eyes and hands are bound. But his eyes arent. I need to go sober up? Bye.
Tagline: Saving the Day. The Ninja Way.
Plot Synopsis: Three young boys, Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum together with their neighbor girl, computer whiz Amanda are visiting Mega Mountain amusement park when it is invaded by an army of ninjas led by evil Medusa, who wants to take over the park and hold the owners for ransom. Kids and retired TV star Dave Dragon, who made his farewell appearance at the park at the time the ninjas appeared, have to break Medusa's vicious plans.
Stars: Hulk Hogan as Dave Dragon, Loni Anderson as Medusa, Jim Varney as Lothar Zogg (fuck, what an awesome name), and then three ugly kid faces as ninjas.
IMDB Rating: 2.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0% Critics, 28% Audience
Best Critic Response: "Abrasively loud, gratingly acted, appallingly directed and without a moral core, this "3 Ninjas" also boasts a screenplay with the most "Unhhhs" of the decade, that exquisite sound you make when trying to anihilate another human with your foot or a karate"
And
"Things are in a pretty sad state when Hulk Hogan gives a movie's most touching performance."
And a User Review out of 5 star rating:
"I only saw this movie because a younger sibling was watching it. I didn't want to see it really, and I regret watching it. I'm glad they've stopped making the 3 ninjas movies. 2 Stars."
God dammit, this one was also good:
"Yes. I bought the DVD and gave it a high rating. Don't hate me. The reason for the rating and the fact I bought it was because of Jim Varney. He does an excellent job as Lothar Zogg and is sexy to boot. 4 Stars."
Mike's Take:
I struggled so hard to stay awake, but the longer the movie went on, Jim Varney's amazing performance just couldn't keep me glued to the screen. The kids faces were so hateable that I wanted them to be killed in the first ten minutes. There's no coming back from that. I also don't understand why Hulk Hogan is really even in this movie, when it seems sort of like stealing the concept of Jingle All the Way, and then not really using that part of the story whatsoever. Jim Varney was fucking awesome in this movie.
Why you should avoid it:
Oh, it's just so bad. At some point I fell asleep for about 30 seconds, dreamt of a kid hitting someone with a spiked yoyo that he then threw away, and then said out loud "he was going to throw it in the garbage anyway", which is where this movie should have been thrown. And then suddenly Jim Varney lands on a bunch of boxes. Justin was confused. I pretended what I said meant something. (It didn't). But yes, the spiked yoyo actually existed. And no, they never used it to hit anyone. They just used it as a whip. Poor useage of this device, if you asked me.
Why you should see it:
We only have so much printed celluloid of Jim Varney. The more I can get of him the better. I hated the movie, but my life was made better by seeing Jim Varney on screen again.
There are no interesting facts about this film from my research. Except that the movie came out in 1998 when Hulk Hogan was deep in NWO, but it was shot when he was WCW champion in 1996, pre-NWO, and he basically wears his Hogan colors in the movie. Also, it says he legitimately cut his hair for this role, and then wore a wig... so why the need to cut his hair? No idea. Hyyyy yah!
Justin's Take:
I did not enjoy this film. Hulk Hogan serves no purpose. The children are ugly as fuck (except for this one chick but she is 16, so it's not okay for me to say she is hot. But like, she was born the same year as me, so maybe it is okay? I don't fucking know, you tell me!). Anyways, I have never wanted to see 3 children get brutally mangled as much as I did watching these shit children look shitty and annoying while doing nothing and wasting 90 minutes of my life. Fuck you 3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain.
Why you should avoid it:
Literally all of the reasons.
Why you should see it:
If you are contemplating suicide and think things in life cannot get any worse, watch this movie and prove yourself wrong. Hell, the shitiness of the experience will likely give you a "Holy fuck, life could be so worse" outlook, bringing you out of your slump.
Tagline: "The frightening vision of a near future." AND "The game is called Death Run, the price is death."
Plot Synopsis:A scientist places her son and his girlfriend into a cryogenic sleep so they can survive the coming apocalypse. They wake 25 years later in a world dominated by neo-Nazi like ruler, called the Messiah who holds the "Death Run".
Stars: Debbi Stevens. This is all you need to know.
IMDB Rating: 4.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: Not found on Rotten Tomatoes! As if!
Mike's Take:
I loved this stupid movie. The action was incredibly bad, but somehow I believed every single thing Debbi Stevens did. She did everything they needed her to do, and stole the movie. Which might explain why they kind of shifted the entire story to not really mattering at all about our main characters, because it was just so much better to just see Debbi Stevens do stuff instead. I appreciated that decision and support it fully.
Why you should avoid it:
You can probably skip over all the homo-erotic parts where Debbi Stevens isn't on screen. But when Debbi Stevens is on screen, you fucking watch those parts.
Why you should see it:
Debbi. Stevens. Also her "hood of the car" scene was masterful. A cinematic masterpiece of a scene.
Justin's Take:
This was not bad. It's about a couple. Then it;s immediately no longer about that couple, and a much hotter chick comes along and steals the whole movie from everyone, despite being a supporting character. Since it's only an hour long, it's almost worth seeing just for the hot chick.
Why you should avoid it:
Despite having a hot chick in it, this movie really feels like it was crafted by a group of gay men. We pretty much open the movie on a dude hanging dong, then the whole film continues to show every possible shot from the "crotch shot" angle, whereby there are only about 6 shots in the whole movie that do not contain male crotch for no reason at all. However, when the chance to show a natural, non-contrived upskirt of the hot chick comes along? CUT AWAY TO A BIRD IN THE WOODS. Or whatever else. Fuck you movie.
Why you should see it:
1) The hot chick
2) The absolute best fight choreography you will EVER see.
3) You get to see a guy puking on someone while also fighting for his life. While puking.
4) You get to see an epic death run
5) You get to see mutants
6) You get to see the exact opposite of effective MMA.
7) (Major spoiler) You get to see breastfeeding...OF A MUTANT! SAY WHAAAAAAAT????? (shocking surprise ending!)
Tagline: Revenge made them hate the man, but money was the excuse to blast him!
Plot Synopsis: Five friends get together and decide to plan an operation to rob a bank. The main difference between this and other bank-robbing gangs, however, is that all five men are blind.
Stars: Fred Williamson and some fake blind guys.
IMDB Rating: 3.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: No reviews from anyone, but at least it's on there.
Mike's Take:
This movie had such high potential. Blind guys robbing a bank. It's so crazy it just might work!
It didn't.
Long, delayed dialogue made me think it was actually dubbed over. Every scene felt so long to accomplish nothing. At one point they showed multiple planes land to show each blind guy arriving. Just show the airport, show them walking in and then getting in a car together. How hard is this? Then someone build a wooden set of a bank to train them in. And there's a blind trainer. So much of this doesn't make sense by the time we get to the end of the movie. At one point the movie stops being a foreign language bank robbing movie, and turns into a rapey-blaxploitation movie. All of this stuff just turns on a dime and you're basically begging for it to end. Because the movie takes place in the Philippines.
Why you should avoid it:
Some blind people nearly drown in this movie. And by nearly, I mean not at all. But people get killed for flinching. A lot.
Why you should see it:
(Spoilers?) They don't drown. They explode.
Justin's Take:
This was way less fun than the plot summaries lead me to believe it would be. It should be amazing. On paper. It was not. It was bracketed and the whole "they are blind" was part of the scheme. So it's kind of like on eof those "It's a joke, we know its a joke and we are in on it too, isn't thjat funny? Har har har?" No. It ruined everything. EVERYTHING.
Why you should avoid it:
Reading the plot summary above just explodes your imagination with how awesome this movie could be. It has so much potential, even if you have the shittiest imagination imaginable (Austin). The movie goes the opposite direction of everywhere fun and you are left staring at a blind, dead, rock for 80 mins. Fuck this rock.
Why you should see it:
Do you like blind people? Yes? Don't see this movie. Do you hate blind people? Yes? Don't see this movie. #Solved
Tagline: Justice has one small problem. Them.
Plot Synopsis: A district attorney is determined to take down a corrupt New Orleans cop.
Stars: Jamie Kennedy and Edge
IMDB Rating: 5.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: No critic review, 33% from audiences.
Mike's Take:
I managed to stay awake for this entire garbage nothing movie. If anyone watched this and thought Edge was cool, they need help. It's the most cringey, try-hard performance by a man with only one hawaiian shirt.
Why you should avoid it:
Because it's bad. Not fun bad, not cringe bad, just boringly, stupid bad.
Why you should see it:
Don't. The only reason I believe anyone watched this was to see Edge's tattoo that says "Rise Above", which is also incredibly cringey. Just google that instead of watching this movie to see it. Jamie Kennedy deserved better than this.
Justin's Take:
This was supposed to be bad, but in the way a poor comedy is bad. So at least I was supposed to be able to laugh at failed jokes. But the thing is...they didn't make any jokes. There were literally no jokes in this "buddy action comedy" until the last 2 minutes. They were unfunny and I laughed at the movie for these 4 jokes, but the movie was 82 minutes long. The previous 80 had no jokes and a wtf plot. I was not entertained.
Why you should avoid it:
It's as flaccid as Edge's "live sex demonstration", and has lifeless as The Undertaker's American Badass gimmick. Do yourself a favour and just spend the 80 minutes playing with yourself instead.
Why you should see it:
Pruit Taylor Vince and his freaky eyes. Jessica Walter. Philip Baker Hall. If you can see any of those people in anything else, do that instead though.
Have 9 points in celebration of this monumental achievement!