Best CLEAN Jokes

[Ferocity]

So... I work with people. People who like jokes. But not jokes that say bad words or are completely about sex. This makes it hard to tell these people jokes. But they really like jokes and want more jokes... you see my problem.

So here are some jokes I've been telling- please help me and add any you know:

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

People really liked the above joke so that was good.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

[The Sandmen]

There once was a man from Nantucket...



...the Aristocrats!

[xx - The Broad Street Bullies]

So Helen Keller walks into a bar.
And a bench.
And a table.


I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My called me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[xx - The Underdog Regime]

Two flies are on a piece of crap. One fly cuts a fart, the other says 'Hey, I'm eatin' here'.

[xx - Team GAP]

A termite walks into the bar and asks "where's the bar tender?"

[The Sandmen]

Bob has no arms.

Knock knock
Who's there?
It isn't Bob.

[xx - Camp Cannon]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

[xx - Team GAP]

What do you give a dead baby for christmas?

A dead puppy

[xx - The Broad Street Bullies]

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him...

[The Mighty Ducks]

clean jokes eh

okay, i can play this too...

You never know what you have…until you clean your room.
I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a mom.
My room is not dirty. I just have everything on display. Like a museum.
A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection.
My house was clean. Then the kids woke up. The end.

Wait, wait, I got more...

Q: Why do I always keep several get well cards on the mantel?

A: So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think I’ve been sick and unable to clean. You know, on account of my house is messy because my appendix ruptured.

Now some advice if you don't feel like cleaning today.

Bathroom - throw everything in the tub, cover it with a blanket, and poor Lysol in the garbage can for better smell. Hilarious. Invite a friend over to shower, and he'll be confused, it's funny.

Oh, another one...

Wear worn clothing inside out and spray it with lysol. If it needs freshening up, just toss in the dryer. Also it's warmer that way, and people will say, does something smell like clean clothes? And you say "yes". lol it's funny because they aren't actually clean even though they smell like it.

Need to vacuum? Call a salesman over to do a demonstration and keep asking how it works on different carpets in your house. Then he'll clean the whole place and you can invest 300 dollars into a very good vacuum. That guy did a good job and it's clearly an effective product, so it's best you don't let him leave without getting the best possible deal for it. Also, spray your furniture with lysol so he doesn't think you live in a smelly place like an asshole. Or you can cut up the carpet and buy a van and make one of those 70s shag pads. Better yet, outdoor carpet. Looks nice on grass. I'm just kidding, that's ridiculous. That's what makes this joke so funny!

If you're stuck doing dishes, call someone with big forearms. It usually means they are good at scrubbing things. Convince them with your sexuality, or ask them what their favourite smell is and buy that type of lysol and poor it over yourself like a protesting monk. Then, if they refuse to come over, you can threaten to set the liquid on fire. It's a win win.

I put cows in my backyard to cut my grass, but the carpet got in the way, and one of them choked a little.

You're welcome.

Also...

This guy is a genius.

[xx - Former Phoenix Fight Club]

Two white horses fall in the mud and three black ones come out.

[The Mighty Ducks]

i dont get it

[The Mighty Ducks]

oh wait, one was pregnant, i get it.

[The Mighty Ducks]

no, wait, nevermind, the third one also slipped in the mud earlier, but on account of it suffering from African horse sickness (AHS), they had to pull him out before he drowned.

[The Mighty Ducks]

so it's less a joke and more of a horse rescue story. i can appreciate that.